One of the first places I ever felt a bit settled as an adult was in Vietnam.
I moved to Ho Chi Minh City at 23. I moved into my first adult apartment with three housemates. I got a motorbike.
I had a big girl job that paid me big girl money for the first time.
I bought groceries and cooked meals and went on vacations with friends. I could have stayed forever. And I considered it. But I always felt like I was on the outside.
From my complexion to my facial features to my hair texture, I was so clearly, visibly, an outsider. I couldn’t blend in in Vietnam.
I could learn the language (though, as a tonal language, it was going to be a long, slow road), sit at local restaurants, form friendships with my Vietnamese peers, and never set foot in a gated housing complex—and I did all of those things…
But I was always looked at as the foreigner I was. And that wasn’t going to change.
When you’re looking at a place as your long-term home, you want to be able to blend in (at least I do). I was always treated with kindness in Vietnam. There was never any malice from my neighbors, my local coworkers, or my friends. I loved and still love that country. But for me to feel comfortable, I need to be able to go about life unnoticed.
Over a decade and six countries later, I now live in Portugal, and I’ve learned a thing or two about what to look for to see if, first of all, you’re going to fit in, and second, if you’re going to want to stay in a place long-term.
Another reason I didn’t stay in Vietnam is because it seemed like no one else did. It was hard to integrate into the local community in Vietnam, so my community of foreign peers was especially important. For many expats, Vietnam is a fun year or two. Even for the long-haulers, it isn’t a forever home.
In the years since I lived there, almost all of the long-haulers I knew have moved back to their home countries or on to other adventures.
In Vietnam, I would pull up next to local women at a red light, all of us on our motorbikes, and they would stare at me. And it was fine; there was nothing behind their stares but interest. But I wanted to tell them that I’m just doing the same commute back and forth from work that they are. We’re the same, really.
For me, a forever home is one where I can blend in and quietly carry about my day-to-day life.
So now I live in Portugal, where I still don’t blend in with my blonde hair and blue eyes, but I blend in a great deal more than I did in Vietnam. There are Portuguese natives blonder and fairer than me. People start conversations with me in Portuguese. They don’t question that I could be from here. But, of course, I am not.
I feel welcome, I have friends and community, and on the surface, I blend in. But the reality is that it takes work every single day to feel like I blend in beneath the surface.
And that part’s on me.
So here’s what I do…
1. Seize Every Opportunity
My friends have made fun of me for being a borderline stalker (I’m not, I promise!) because when someone is friendly to me, I pursue them.
A woman my age strikes up a conversation? You best believe I’m not walking away without some way to get in touch with her. She suggests a coffee or a glass of wine? Oh, I am going to make that happen. I get invited to a gathering with Portuguese people around? I am there each and every time with bells on and a bottle of wine in hand.
The best way to get people to think of you as one of them is to be one of them. Show up, be consistent, and demonstrate that you’re here to stay. And then return the favor.
I throw a small Thanksgiving dinner each year—the one American tradition I carry with me—and I invite all my Portuguese friends. We go around the dinner table and say thanks, we stuff our faces with turkey and gravy and all of the fixings, and we top it off with apple pie. Because as much as it’s vital that you feel welcome with them, it’s equally as vital that they feel welcome with you—that you make it clear that you are all one community now.
2. Give Yourself Permission To Have Foreign Friends
As important as it is to have local friends and to become a part of the community of the place you have moved to, it’s OK to have fellow foreign friends, too… people you can commiserate with.
For me, it’s good to have people around who are also far from home and can’t pop over to their parents for Friday night dinner. Or people who are also going through the bureaucratic headache of visas and other immigration paperwork. Or people who also speak English as their first language. Or people who are also struggling with all of the same exact things that I am struggling with.
3. Prioritize Those Who Are In It For The Long Haul
By leaving Vietnam a decade ago, I only perpetuated one of the reasons why I left in the first place. I wasn’t in it for the long haul. And since then, I’ve left again and again.
But now that I am in Portugal for the long haul, I avoid forming deep relationships with people who aren’t committed to being here forever. And forever is an impossible amount of time. Because who knows, right?
But there are people who come with no intention of staying. Sometimes they know that, and they state it clearly. Other times you have to read between the lines… Maybe they kept a home, a business, or other strong ties to where they came from. Whether or not they know it, they’ll be going back at some point.
I’m friendly to these people, of course. I chat with them about their new life and what they are excited about, but I don’t prioritize them. I prioritize the long-haulers.
I’ve had too much turnover in my life, and after a few years of living abroad, you will too. So sniff out those who aren’t in it for the long haul by listening to how they talk about their new home and their old one.
4. Learn The Language And Culture Beyond Textbooks
I make it my mission to figure out what it is that people my age were raised on. Because learning the language is important, of course, but communication goes beyond that.
It’s cultural touch points and references. It’s learning the dirty words, the slang, the little jokes that everyone knows and no teacher or textbook will ever teach you.
It’s important to listen for these little jokes, asides, and references and ask about them when they come up.
Consume the culture. Watch the movies. Listen to the music. Remember the names of local celebrities and why they’re famous. Listen out for local gossip.
The world around you is your best classroom.
5. Accept Your Fate
Life as an immigrant isn’t easy. You’re going to find yourself on the outside of conversations and left off of guest lists. Just when you feel like an insider, you’ll be thrust out again.
What may take the most effort is being OK with all of that. If you’re in this for the long haul, and I hope you are, simply accepting your fate may just be the most important part of the process.
Sincerely,
Caitlin Boylan
Contributor, Overseas Living Letter
