When I decided to move to Italy three years ago, I didn’t take the decision lightly. I did my homework. I visited different regions to determine which would be the best fit for me. I studied the language.
And yet, there were some things that I was completely unprepared for as an American who moved to the south of Italy (Calabria).
Here’s what I wish I’d known at the beginning of my journey to make the adjustment just a little bit easier…
1. Everything Takes 5 Minutes
The washer had finished its cycle, and I was trying to open the door. It wouldn’t budge. I was getting frustrated.
My friend Lynn, a fellow expat who’d been in Italy a whopping six months longer than I had, and who, therefore, was much more sage than I, said this: “It takes five minutes [for the cycle to be complete and the door to open]. Everything in Italy takes five minutes.”
This became our mantra, even when “five minutes” was more like five hours, days, or weeks, especially when applied to Italian bureaucracy or taking care of things that, back in America, would happen with the snap of a finger, like getting Wi-Fi set up.
This phrase has taught me that nothing in Italy happens as fast as I, an American used to instant gratification, think it should. Now, if only I could learn a little patience…
2. Being Vulnerable Doesn’t Make You Weak
Another lesson I had to learn in the early months of my new Italian life was that I had to rely on other people.
Now, I’ve always been a very independent person. You have to be, to untether yourself from the life you knew to start over in a new country. And yet, here in Italy, I wasn’t as successful at figuring things out on my own as I was used to.
I was far from alone. I had a couple of expat friends who were happy to take me to administrative appointments and fill in the gaps in my understanding of the language. I had Italian friends who were eager to offer their assistance. So why did I keep turning them down?
A year after I moved here, I fell in love with an Italian man… and his wonderful family. They are the ones who taught me that I can ask for help without being weak. When I discovered that my Fiat 500 had a nail in the tire one day, I called my father-in-law to ask where I should take it.
“Bring it here. I’ll handle it.”
An hour later, he returned my car, tire intact. For Italians, taking care of one another is a privilege and a way to show love. Americans, I see now, tend to think that, by doing things on our own, we are showing our strength. But the true strength is in being vulnerable and asking for help.
3. Living Abroad Makes You Someone New
In planning my move, I couldn’t wait to experience other cultures, food, and, of course, Italian wine, but I gave little thought to how this country would change me.
The woman who spent evenings with her girlfriends at Instagram-worthy happy hours has been replaced by one who goes on long walks to collect herbs in the forest. I’ve traded heels for hiking boots. Microwaved meals on the go for long lunches with my in-laws.
I’m still changing, but I’m at a place where the discomfort of straddling two countries has diminished. I no longer feel completely American… but I’ll never fully be Italian. But instead of trying to mask my Americanness, I use it as a tool to show people who I am: someone who lived in another country for decades, but who has chosen this land to be her home for the rest of her life.
4. There’s Always Time For Coffee
Coming from a country that encourages 60-hour workweeks and checking your work email on the weekends, it’s been hard for me to slow down to the Italian pace of life.
My husband and I moved to his hometown last year, and I’ve made friends with almost all of the 400 inhabitants. Not a day goes by that I don’t get invited by some sweet old lady to come in for a coffee.
For a long time, I politely declined. My American sensibilities told me they were just inviting me to be nice. But I came to realize that I was offending them by turning down the offer. And I was missing out.
So I started saying yes to coffee, and I enhanced my friendships as a result. Agatha, the octogenarian who adores me (obviously), showed me black-and-white photos of her family from years ago. Anna, the widow who lives around the corner, told me about the years she spent in Switzerland with her husband. These stories are their way of connecting with me, and I’m honored to be the recipient.
5. You Can Always Change Your Mind
In addition to being independent, I’m also stubborn, always right, and know what I want. But since I’ve lived in Italy, I’ve changed my mind so many times.
A few months in, I decided Calabria wasn’t for me. It hadn’t yet revealed its magic, and I longed for bigger city life, where I could order Indian food or shop for clothes that didn’t look 15 years behind current fashion trends.
Well, love entered the picture and changed that decision for me, so I stayed and fell in love with Calabria.
Then, I lived in a seaside town and envisioned myself as a beach girl for life. Until I saw my husband’s childhood home overlooking the sea, vacant and crying out for us to live there. Then, I could see myself as a mountain girl, which is exactly what I’ve become.
I’ve learned that Italy gives one gift before revealing another. What I want today could change tomorrow, and that’s just part of the fun!
While knowing these things would have made my journey a little easier, I had to go down this path to learn these lessons on my own when I was ready to receive them.
Sincerely,
Su Gillory
Contributor, Europe Uncovered
